THE NEW BRADY BUNCH

THE NEW BRADY BUNCH CHORUS: Here's the story, a lovey lady, who was bringing three strong and healthy boys. A good mother, with no clue about raising boys. Here's the story, A man named Brady, who was bringing up three very lovely girls. A good father, but totally clue-less, about parenting girls. The meeting: Architect Michael Brady meets widow Carol Jenkins, at a single parents support group. During a break, in the meeting, the two discuss parenting. When Carol tells Mike "You have it easy. Three girls are such a joy to raise. I envy you." When Mike would ask "You envy me?" Carol would say "Compared to my three boys, I would rather have three girls to raise." When Mike would say "Oh, come on, Carol. Boys aren't so bad." Carol would say "Is that so? Well, let me tell YOU, Michael Brady, that three boys can be a real handful. Always taking things a part, and the dirt. I swear my boys never heard of staying clean." Mike would say "Carol, if you think thats "rough", try figuring out how high a skirt should go, or what eye-liner goes with what hand-bag." When Carol would say "Thats easy", then try to explain, what even Mikes deceased wife could, never, explain, Mike Brady would find himself making what HE thought was just a joke. Mike Brady would say "I wish you could spend just one day, with my girls. I bet they would run you ragged, before the day is out." Carol Jenkins would respond with "Michael Brady, I will bet YOU that YOU would not survive a full day, with my boys." When Michael Brady would ask "What stakes do you want?" Carol Jenkins would suggest "Two, candle-light dinners. The loser pays." When Michael Brady was about to say "You're on!", then thought about it, asking "How do we determine who wins?" Carol Jenkins would suggest "The first parent, who "bails out", is the loser, and pays for dinner." This is when Michael Brady, almost committs a faux paus, by starting out to embrace, and kiss Carol Jenkins. Remembering the rules, of the meetings, the two would shake hands, on the deal. Later, two conversations would take place, nearly simultaneously. While Mike Brady would be infoming his girls "If none of you have any objection, I have asked my friend, Carol Jenkins to spend the day, with you girls" When his oldest girl, Marcia, would ask "You mean, that lovely woman, from your group?" Mike would say "Thats right. Carol has asked to spend some time, with all three of you." When the girls would say "How cool is that? A woman, to spend time with." Mike would be quick to point out "Now, girls, I want you to remember. Carol is a friend, and I want you to treat her with respect. Dont go running her ragged, just to make her flee. I want you to treat her as you would your own mother. Is that, CLEARLY, understood?" When Jan would say "Sure, dad, we understand. Mind our manners." Mike would say "Okay, then I will let Carol know, and we can set a time, and date." At the home, of Carol Jenkins, much the same conversation would be taking place, with her boys. When Carol would say "Mike is my friend. I want you to treat him as you would, your father. Got me?" The oldest son, Greg, would say "Sure mom." This is when Carol would ask ALL three boys "Do we, ALL agree to treat Mike Brady, with the same respect we would treat our father?" As if in chorus, Greg, Peter, and Bobby, would say "Yes, mom." This is when Carol would tell the boys "Fine, I will let Mike know. Now, remember, boys, Mike is my friend. NO schenanigans. Manners, right?" The boys would say "Yes, mom." On the day, in question, while Mike's daughters might have thought they would have more "latitude", with Carol, the girls would, soon, find themselves facing the "ghost of their mother". This, because, more than once, and whether the subject was G-string bikini's, short skirts, or make-up, the girls would find themselves hearing Carol saying "No daughter, of mine..." While Carol, and the girls, were spending the day, enjoying themselves, with shopping, and fittings, Mike, and the boys, would be tackling a variety of items, including bicycle maintenance, home repairs, to Carols place, and even re-packing some material, to create extra storage space. While the boys "touchdown", of the day, would be some football practice, with Mike, when the brothers looked at one another, saying "I hope mom does not find out what we have been doing." Mike would suggest "If you want to "hide" the truth, better get washed up, before she gets home". That evening, Mikes daughters would compliment Carol, making the suggestion, to their father "She is really COOL. Any chance SHE could become our mother?" Mike would, only, say "We will see." It would only be after Carols boys remarked, in the same, about Mike, that the parents called it "Even." When Mikes girls would suggest "Dad, why dont you give it a try? Whats the worst that can happen?" Mike would remind his girls "You need to remember that what you are suggesting is NOT "temporary". Marriage is NOT like buying a home, or a car. You cant return it, if you find you dont like it. Once you make the purchase, you are STUCK. After the vows, there is NO going back." Carol would find herself telling her boys the same thing. "IF I marry Mike, its for keeps. Once we take the vows, there is NO going back." It would be at THIS point that Mike Brady would consult his long-time housekeeper, Alice Nelson, asking "IF I take this step, HOW do I know it is right, for both me, AND the girls?" All Alice would say was "Mr. Brady, there is only ONE way to answer that question." When Mike would ask "What if I am wrong? What happens to my girls?" Alice would ask "Mr. Brady, are you more afraid that it WONT work, or that it WILL work?" Mike Brady would, simply, look at his long-time housekeeper. Before making any decisions, Mike Brady, and Carol Jenkins, would take their time, reviewing the pro's and cons. Sure, the kids seemed to like the adults, but the question was: What would happpen when three boys lived in the same house, with three girls? Would the result be a "gourmet's delight"? Would it be Botulism/Tomaine? While Architect Mike Brady was ready to, thoroughly, investigate ALL the angles, prior to committing to the project, Carol Jenkins would have to encourage his cooperation, by saying "Mike, there are no guarantee's. The only "sure things" are death, and taxes." THE PROPOSAL: Mike Brady would only express "It is not the honeymoon, which concerns me. It is the long-term. Maintenance. How well we put the foundation together, and how sturdy the construction is. After all, the best intentions, in the world, will not keep a poorly designed building standing." Carol Jenkins would remind Mike "Every home has its problems, over time. Walls have to be painted. Windows need to be washed, grass needs to be mowed. All we can do is the best we can." Mike Brady's only question would be "Are you SURE you WANT the added responsibility, of adding three girls, to your family?" Carol Jenkins would say "Mike, if YOU can handle my three boys, then I CAN handle three daughters." It would be after the proposal that Mike and Carol would start looking at homes, to fit their soon to be expanding family. the parents would agree that the childrens bedrooms would need to be atleast as LARGE, as the master bedroom. With three children, per room, SPACE would be "Priority One". FINDING SPACE, FOR EVERYONE: While Carol Jenkins, and Mike Brady, would split their time, between wedding preparations, and trying to find a house, large enough, to house nine people, in comfort, it would turn out that the wedding preparations were just as much an "assault", on the couple, as their search, for a large enough house. In fact, Michael Brady had forgotten how stressful wedding preparations could be. For every question answered, there were a thousand, other, questions, all of which DEMANDED answers, yesterday. Add in the search, for a house, large enough to house all nine, people, and the best that Mike Brady, and Carol Jenkins, could come up with, was to split the duty in half. While Carol, her mother, and Mikes girls, would work on the wedding details, Mikes father, Mike, and Carols boys, would focus on locating a home, for the "new venture" (As Mike Brady would refer to his expanding family.) While Mike, and the boys, found plenty, of homes, which fit the SIZE needed, the problem was that the homes were derelict. Most had not been occupied, for decades, and with good reason. What concerned architect Mike Brady, was NOT the rumors, that some of the homes were "haunted". Mike Brady's concern was over the fact that, so many, of these homes were built in the days LONG BEFORE construction codes existed. With the aid, and assistance, of some contractors friends, Mike Brady toured several homes, all of which received FAILING grades, from the contractors. The reason why the homes were not occupied, was not due to "ghosts", "goblins", or things that go "BUMP!, in the night". The reason why these homes were un-inhabited, included lead pipes, which, in the 1800's, provided drinking, bathing, and washing, water, to the homes occupants. Then, in every, single, house, every wall, and ceiling, surface, tested, positive, for lead paint. When even Mike Brady saw that the only, real, structure, to the homes, was the stairway, and outer walls, and Mike Brady agreed with the contractors. The cost, of restoration, would be ten TIMES the cost, to build from scratch. Result, the Brady family would move into a modest, three bedrooom, house, complete with maids room. Michael Brady would promise his family "As soon as we can find a bigger, more livable, house, we will leave this one behind". THE WEDDING: While the vows went off, more-or-less, without any problems, with camcorders, and videodisc recording, now, available, when Tiger got loose (presumably after being taunted, by Fluffy), what should have been a solemn occassion, turned into a laugh riot more over the fact of all of the damage, caused by HUMANS, than of any damage, caused by dog, or cat. The girls beautiful, full length, dresses, would be just as caked, with mud, and dirt, as the boys tuxedo's, as the children tried to wrangle the animals out of the way of the wedding. What made the wedding day so memorable was the fact that, while people COULD have gotten either upset, or furious, about how events transpired, even the minister found himself laughing even as the minister told the assembly "This is just the wedding day. Just imagine what is AHEAD, for the Brady family." MOVING IN DAY: While Carol, Mike, and Alice, had decided on a modest, three bedroom, home, the problem would be the day the family moved in. While Bobby, and Peter, had only one carton, of belongings, as well as furniture, to move into the new house, Greg would, ofcourse, have his high school stuff, as well. After moving their belongings into their new room, Mike would assign the boys to carry up the girls cartons, as well. This would not go so well. While the age of the Walkman, and Ipods, would "solve" the problem, of music, Carols boys just could not believe that, no matter how many cartons the boys brought into the house, and delivered, to the girls room, there seemed to be even MORE cartons, waiting for transport. Between this, and the fact that, as Mikes girls un-packed their cartons, closets filled up, in record time, even as the girls searched for more closet space. When the girls decided that they needed some of the boys closet space, for their clothes, this would be when Mike Brady would be required to enter into creative, and collective, bargaining. With his daughters saying "We need more closet space", and the boys saying "You HAVE your closet space, we need ours, as well." Mike Brady THOUGHT he came up, with a solution, but ONLY for a moment. While the architect would suggest that the girls store their remaining cartons, in the attic, Greg would ask "Where do we store the holiday decorations? The Christmas Tree, the pumpkins, and the summer, holiday, stuff?" When Mike Brady would ask "How bad can it be?" Greg, and Peter, would say "Come with us." Sure enough, in the driveway, there were more than a dozen, additional, cartons, waiting for delivery. Peter would say "This is just the girls stuff. The truck had to go back, for the holiday stuff." This is when Mike Brady would make a decision. Calling Carol and the girls, together, Mike Brady would announce "As of this moment, anything, which does not fit into a persons OWN room, is to be stored in the garage." When Marcia would lead the girls in saying "But, dad, this stuff is important." Mike would counter wiith "Then, you should pack it, VERY CAREFULLY, for later retrieval." When the girls gave a huff, Mike Brady would state "Further more, I EXPECT there to be enough room left, in the garage, for the cars. Am I clear?" Everyone, present, would groan. While the Brady family was scratching their heads, over what to do, with their belongings, an unexpected storm would take out the electricity, as well as demolishing the next door neighbors house. While the Brady's were more than willing to lend a hand, with clean-up, the land owner revealled surprising information, to the architect, about the house. When the neighbor informed Mike Brady " We wont be re-building." And Mike asked "WHY?" The neighbor would say "Our mortgage was "under water". The insurance company says the house is not worth replacing. We will look for another house." While Carol would agree "Thats terrible." The neighbor would, no-sooner say "I just hope the bank can find someone, to sell the land to." Mike Brady no-sooner said "I'm sure the property will sell, easily. How much is the bank asking?" The neighbor would say "$10,000. Which is more than I can afford." This is when Carol would call Mike aside, asking "I KNOW we said that money, in the fund, is for the kids college educations, but helping a neighbor. Isn't that equally important?" When Mike and Carol would return to the property owner, Mike would offer his friend, and neighbor, a deal. "If we, ALL, agree to keep this deal between ourselves. NO ONE else is to know, for any reason. Right, Carol?" Carol would ask "Why are you looking at ME, Michael Brady? It was my idea." When the neighbor would ask "What idea?" Mike Brady would suggest "We can give you the money, in exchange for the property. This way, you wont have to deal with the banks, or a realtor." Being an architect, Mike Brady KNEW how to handle lenders. This is why the process went so smoothly. Once Mike Brady verified that even the homes foundation had to be demolished, he drew up a set of plans, which would solve everyones problems. ADDING EXTRA STORAGE: Mike Brady KNEW why the neighbors estimates had come in, at such high levels. If only the neighbor had asked, Mike Brady would have informed the neighbor of the advances in modern building practices. As it was, Mike Brady designed a combination storm shelter, and storage area. All under a surface, of green lawn. A space on which the Brady children could play, and entertain. While the primary design, and build, was for a completely sub-surface until, to be covered with a play area, Mike Brady agreed with his new wife, Carol. With six, growing, children, in the house, times would change, even as the children grew. Even as grade school would be replaced with junior high, then high school, so boys, and girls, play-clothes, would be exchanged for high school gear. All of this, even as toy cars, and dolls, would be replaced with sports equipment, rings, and bracelets. With all of these "imminent" changes coming, this is why the architect would design the shelter to be dug into the bedrock, and with structural members which would be used, for "later development" (should the need arise). Problem is that "later development" arrived, sooner, rather than later, as Alice would notify the Bradys that the back yard clothes line just didn't have enough room, for nine peoples clothes. As a result the LARGE, play area, originally designed, for the kids, would be reduced, in size, to make room for extra wash-lines. As Mike, and Carol, would tell the kids "There are nine of us, now. Alice cannot be expected to use a space, meant for four people, to handle the wash, for nine people." STARTING A NEW SCHOOL While Mike, and Carol, Brady, had thought that life was complicated enough, when each had three children, to register for school, the parents would learn the TRUE definition, of "writers cramps"", not just from the normal registration forms, but from all of the other forms. Forms which, nowadays, included giving the schools the right to "random drug testing". Add in the anti-gang paper-work, as well as anti-bullying paper-work, and criminal background checks. By the time the couple was finished filling out all the forms, for their children to start their new schools, both parents found themselves taking both massive amounts of oral pain killer, as well as "rub on" pain killer, for wrists and hands. These, Mike and Carol Brady, would apply, to arms, wrists, and hands, to soothe the pain, from filling out the forms. As for the actual delivery, of the childrens new school forms, with six children to enroll, Carol Brady was prepared to use shopping bags, to deliver the paper-work. That is, until Greg, and Marcia, would remind their mother "Grocery bags are not permitted, on school grounds, anymore, rememeber?" While Carol seemed confused, Alice would come to Mrs. Brady's "rescue", asking the kids "Why are grocery bags not allowed on school property?" Greg would hesitate, while Marcia would say "The principals are spreading the rumor that drug dealers are using grocery bags, to sell drugs, to students. The school wants everyone to think that no one gives a second look, at grocery bags." While Carol would tell Alice "That may be true. After all, how often do WE notice other families shopping bags?" Alice would say "At a grocery store? Who pays attention, to ANY bags?" When Carol would ask Mike, for any suggestions he might have, Mike would suggest "Why dont you use my travel case? I dont have any out-of-town meetings, for a few weeks. Carry the papers, in there." Carol would embrace, and kiss, her husband, as she would say "Thanks, Mike. You're a life-saver." While Carol Brady was happy, with her husband, for the loan, of the brief case, the person Mrs. Brady was NOT happy with was the security guard, at the school. A brutish, arrogant, man, who INSISTED that not only did the breifcase have to be opened, BEFORE Carol and ALice, even entered the school buildings, but security insisted upon "rifling" through the entire contents, of the briefcase, before allowing the women to enter the school building. By the time Carol, and Alice, made it inside the buildings, and through the metal detectors, and entered the principals offices, staff were arrogant enough to say "You are late!" When Carol would mention the security guards, metal detectors, and so on, staff just ignored the women, saying "Next time, you should arrive, sooner. It is im-polite to keep administration waiting." By the time Carol, and Alice returned home, both women were ready to pull their hair out, even as Carol informed Mike of what a "nightmare"" school registration had become. While Mike Brady agreed with his wife, over how complicated school procedures had become, in the days since the adults were students, Mike would, also, remind Carol "Honey, we see it, everyday, in the news. Schools being shot up, students committing suicide, bullies terrorizing students. School is NOTHING like it was, when we were children." Carol would say "thats for sure. I just could not believe that, after that guard ransacked your briefcase, then left Alice and I to put everything back together, that school officials would only say "You should have arrived, earlier. Not one word, about the guard, ransacking your briefcase." Mike would say "Honey, schools are just trying to protect students." Carol would, only, say "Thank God, its all over with. One more meeting, like those, today, and you would be bailing ME out of jail, for attacking an attacker." (Mike Brady could envision the headlines. "House-wife attacks security, for ransacking private property!" Mike would supress a laugh.) THE SUBJECT WAS HECKLING: Not long after the Brady kids began attending their new school, and the boys, and girls, began referring to one another as siblings, the fights would begin. The schools bullies would begin heckling Greg, Peter, and Bobby, over the fact that the boys considered Marcia, Jan, and Cindy their sisters. When the boys asked "So what? We live in the same house. Whats it to you?" When the bullies would suggest "I wonder if your old lady really IS the girls old lady, as well. Maybe, THAT is why their old man married your old lady. Maybe he was "messing around, and got caught."" When Greg would step forward, saying "Take that back, right now.", the bully would say "Make me", then refer to the Brady boys as illegitimate. Result, Greg, and Peter, would return home, with black eyes, bumps, and bruises. This, while promising Carol "Its not that bad. We just had to defend you, and dad." After Greg, and Peter, would explain how the school bullies would accuse Carol, and Mike, of having three affairs, which lead to the three girls, Carol would suggest "Let ME talk to your father. Perhaps we can find a civilized way out of this." Carol was just as surprised, as Mike was, at the very idea that they had married, due to a past affair. After all, Carol and Mike had not even MET, until after their spouses had perished. HOW could anyone think that total strangers could have three children? It was not until Mike, and Carol, went to the school principal, to ask what action the school planned to take, that the principal would say "Mrs. Brady, kids will be kids. There is NOTHING the school can do, to stop kids from thinking certain things." When the principal would ask "After all, how do you think it LOOKS, to the community? A widower, with three girls, suddenly marries a widow, with three boys?" When Carol would ask "Just WHAT are you IMPLYING?" The principal would say "Lets face it, Mrs. Brady. far too often, nowadays, people ONLY marry when girls/women become pregnant. Even widowed people wait a respectable length of time, before pursuing new relationships. How do you think it looks? You, and Mr. Brady, after such a short time?" This is when Mike Brady would say "Sir, I dont think I like your attitude. Mixed marriages are nothing new." When the principal would say "Something we are TRYING to discourage. The school district wants children to be raised with PROPER morals, and values. I only hope you can understand this." Mike Brady would say "Oh, I understand. Just as anti-Negro racism is illegal, while anti-white racism is, totally, LEGAL. Yes, I understand you, sir." Then Mike would turn to Carol, saying "We are wasting our time, here. Come, darling, we are leaving." THE POWER/VOICE OF THE PEOPLE What the school principal never counted on was the "force", which a group, of eight Brady's, could bring to the publics attention. While Mike would contribute all that he could, when not working on his latest project, it would be Carol, Alice, and the kids, who would raise public awareness, regarding mixed/blended families. It would only be during this period, that several, local, children would learn the truth, about their own heritage. While some parents were re-married, after divorces, local children would be surprised to learn how many children were from widowed-based marriages. Something no one had informed the children about, since the adults did not think that it mattered. It was, also, not until almost three months, into the campaign that Carol and Alice noticed something which neither had paid any attention to, before. Was it just coincidence, or Racism, that there were only white families, living in the area? It was not until a home-owners meeting, to discuss how to proceed, with the school, that Carol brought up the subject, only to be met with a combination of blank stares, and others, who promised "Anyone is welcome, so long as they are buying, and maintaining, their property." As one neighbor would promise "Carol, I promise you that we have never been "white supremacists". Anyone saying otherwise is lying. Truth is that we "just happen" to be the ones, who bought, in this area. Just as you, and Mr. Brady did." As a result of the disclosure, of information, it would seem that both the principal, and several members, of the school board, would resign. It would seem that "Purification" HAD been their goal, all along. Now that the truth was known, and the blended families were accepted, the question became "Who will the next principal be? Who will select the next leader? What QUALITIES should we seek, in the next principal?" When Carol would ask Mike, Mike would be quick to say "Leave me OUT of it. I have enough work to do, with my job, and providing for our family." Carol would take her husband into a choke-hold, saying "Michael Brady, if I didn't love you, I would strangle you." Mike would smile as he said "You are doing a pretty good job, at both."